sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
