69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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