glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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