Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
