Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Is it penis luge time yet?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
