The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just want to make out with him forever
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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