when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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