I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
