I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
