I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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