I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
