he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
