I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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