So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
