At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
