so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
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Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just want to make out with him forever
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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