i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
