So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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