So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
