M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
