Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
