Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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