Pants 0. Shit 1.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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