My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
