New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
