why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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