My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need to sanitize my soul.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
