My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Im just a social blackout drinker.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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