I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
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Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
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drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?