Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.