Texts From Last Night

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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.

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  (301): Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up. http://tfl.nu/txq5
  Replies (13) Good night (2798) Bad night (634)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.

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  (423): I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4. http://tfl.nu/p8en
  Replies (32) Good night (636) Bad night (5804)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there

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  (713): well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there http://tfl.nu/feia
  Replies (19) Good night (611) Bad night (5378)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
  Replies (23) Good night (8057) Bad night (1292)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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  (540): Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh. http://tfl.nu/suhk
  Replies (15) Good night (6014) Bad night (958)
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  (707): View more from California

  I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

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  (707): I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/x6ut
  Replies (26) Good night (1287) Bad night (4011)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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  (907): I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar. http://tfl.nu/wjyf
  Replies (8) Good night (3539) Bad night (951)
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  (209): View more from California

  His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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  (209): His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that. http://tfl.nu/z9b7
  Replies (16) Good night (3348) Bad night (769)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.

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  (713): I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/2wij
  Replies (10) Good night (1498) Bad night (796)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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  (214): Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house. http://tfl.nu/po12
  Replies (10) Good night (2022) Bad night (672)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before

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  (339): 100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before http://tfl.nu/n0g6
  Replies (5) Good night (967) Bad night (414)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.

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  (941): He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud. http://tfl.nu/s98m
  Replies (18) Good night (2340) Bad night (503)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.

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  (850): He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes. http://tfl.nu/l8op
  Replies (4) Good night (1089) Bad night (405)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  I thought I was just out of shape.

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  (954): How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck? (1-954): I thought I was just out of shape. http://tfl.nu/t7eu
  Replies (0) Good night (493) Bad night (416)
• Favorite

  (469): View more from Texas

  The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.

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  (469): The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us. http://tfl.nu/te9o
  Replies (3) Good night (695) Bad night (374)

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