the condom got lost in my hair
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
3 2 1 whiskey
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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