I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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