a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
