if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
