I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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