I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
