hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Randomize
