I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
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Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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