So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
