Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
