i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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