i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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