dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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