it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
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