it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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