There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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