I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
