just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
