dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need to sanitize my soul.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
