i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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