my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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