I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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