In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
