i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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