I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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