He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
