i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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