The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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