I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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