i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
